If you follow me on twitter (@_sarahbrooks_),  you might already know that this year I have discovered that among the many things that I am intolerant of (such as people with a lack of common courtesy and manners) I am also lactose intolerant.

It has been roughly six months since I started my dairy-free diet and I must say, I am feeling much healthier and… well… less shitty (pardon the pun). However, I never realised until now just how many of my day-to-day products contained milk!

The start of the new diet meant replacing many of my beloved foods. Obviously I had to make the switch from my normal milk to lactose-free milk and use margarine instead of butter, but the list went right down to little things such as when I attended parties, if the flavour of chips weren’t ‘original’ I had to give them a pass. There is no point me having one of the delicious mini meat pies, those milky main meals will send me straight to the bathroom. If the lollies served weren’t a ‘lactose free’ brand, I wasn’t able to taste the sweet treats. Whenever cake was served, every time, without fail, I always had to pass.

So basically I blame my recent lack of a social life on getting low blood sugar at every party I attended.

My original reaction to this result was like this…

But now I am out of practice and my dance moves have started to look like this…

Leading people to respond like this…

As you can see, without a doubt, there needs to be an increase in lactose free party foods. It’s for the overall comfort of mankind!!!

On the bright side, my diet has forced me to stop eating these types of foods, which despite the constant lying to myself I know that they aren’t healthy. But lets face it people, the time has come. I motion that we integrate some delicious, healthy lactose-free party favours into the mix. It is not an ‘udderly’ ridiculous request. If we can have a gluten-free cake, we can make a lactose free cake.

I would also like to inform all of you of the immense struggle that has occurred for lactose free people with the recent fad of catching up with your friends for breakfast. I love this. I am a huge fan of breakfast foods. However, as many public bathrooms will tell you, breakfast foods are not a ‘huge fan’ of me. I am forced to sit and suffer while I watch my friends eat scrambled eggs that are full of creamy milk, chow down on delicious buttery pancakes and waffles, and dine on fruit and yogurt while I look down at my un-buttered raisin toast and think ‘why am I paying $4.50 for this when I have a whole loaf at home that cost me the same price, and I can eat it with my butter in my pyjamas!’ Again, this doesn’t do wonders for my social life.

I know that many of you will argue ‘why don’t you just have lactose free yogurt and fruit?

Well, to you I say

To my immense surprise, 90%* of establishments would prefer to lose my business than go to the trouble of accommodating my needs. Oh yes, they will make me a lactose free earl grey tea, there is no problem there, but heaven forbid I ask for dairy-free eggs. Apparently it is just UNHEARD of.

Grabbing a bit of afternoon tea at places such as Gloria Jean’s is a ridiculous task! While everyone is there eating their citrus tarts and gluten-free brownies, I am still sipping on my lactose free earl grey.

I wish I were kidding when I tell you about one afternoon when I went to Gloria Jean’s and I asked this rather bored-looking employee behind the counter if they had anything to eat that was lactose free. A simple request… or so I thought. She replied with an uncaring face ‘those biscuits are gluten free’.

That is lovely darling but NOT WHAT I ASKED.

I mean, a simple no would have sufficed.

I am so happy that there are a heap of gluten-free alternatives for those who are intolerant. This world needs to be able to accommodate for those of us with who are intolerant. It really sucks having these restrictions, the temptations to break the diet are real ya’ll.  I’m making a plea on behalf of those of us who are not aMOOsed with the lack of lactose-free options in casual dining just for a few things for us to nibble on!

In saying this, I don’t want to harsh the mellow of those incredible people who have made lactose free products such as chocolate and ice cream (shout out to you incredible people!) I am just calling out for there to be a wider lactose free variety available.

At least for the sake of my dance moves.

Many Clichés

Sarah xoxo

*This statistic is 100% made up by me for emphasis and had a 200% success rate of getting across my message.